Aloof
Published on Jan 27th, 2009 by Adam in Adam's Blog with 12 Comments »
Goodday Everyone,
Well, class is surely different. I look at things differently, see things differently, and go about my life differently now compared to the normal college student. It is profound how the same enviroment with the same people can strike such a stark contrast with what you once remembered only ten months before. It has been exactly ten months since I left Cornell and started fighting the cancer. It feels more like ten years, and I feel so removed from what and who I was ten months ago that it is almost unfathomable to see myself as that kid that got into a car wreck.
To put it in perspective, I see a lot of kids in my class. Kids, people who are mostly younger than me. I don’t see the few years that seperate me from them, I see eonic differences that seperate us. There they are, fresh-faced, eager, excited, at the threshold of an incredible journey of life. They are green in the world and set out with ambition and fire and all of these youthful qualities. They are kids. I can look at them and see in their faces not only innocence but almost a part of myself that I cannot quite put a finger on.
In contrast, I feel almost like an old veteran coming back from a war. The medical struggle shattered my innocence, my greenness towards the world has been replaced by a blood red, the experiences of cancer, chemo, pain, hardship, and all of those experiences that age someone’s life drastically, even in such a short period of time. It is two different understandings of two completely different worlds combined in one place.
I try to keep it a hush hush with everyone. It is not very good dinner conversation, you konw, cancer, and it is something my peers (if I can still call them that) cannot fathom. It is not because of their ignorance or lack of sympathy or empathy or any pathy that I don’t want shed on my situation anyways. It is just because my experiences are completely unfathomable to the normal person. They are even more extraordinary when dealing with the normal college student. Kids just don’t understand, and a challenge for me is going to be finding a way to understand what being a kid is like again, because quite honestly, I don’t understand that anymore.
I mean, my friends are still my friends, my teammates still my teammates, and those who have kept in touch understand better. Yet, as class starts and as I meet and encounter so many new people, its different. Where I used to be more of the person in the spotlight, now I find myself more aloof, unable to relate, or unable to rewind back ten months and find that innocence or even zest that I once embodied.
God Bless,
Adam Frey
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
Isaiah 40:28
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Hi Adam,
You have been and are going through a great deal. Your innocence was unjustly taken from you quite some time ago, but you have gained so much more. You are strong, gifted and a very special person.
Many Blessings,
Wrestling Ma
Adam – You are a truely remarkable person and you have had to deal with way more than any “college kid” should have to. You have been and still are such an inspiration to many people. Don’t ever give up – rely on your family, friends and faith to get you through. Lots of love and prayers.
Adam
Perhaps the desire to go back to school came not from you but from HIM in order to give back to you some of that innocence lost,.So you could find your way back not all the way becasue you are on a different path now, but we can always gain from aspects of what is around us. Maybe a little ignorance of pain and suffering is what you need to surround you right now, a way to move on. It is so intuitive of you to recognize this. I remember when Matt came home at Christmas, he was commenting on the guys complaining about having to Chrsitmas shop and Matt said,” they can’t understand what it feels like to be greatful not to be in chemo on Christmas Day. Even if I were to get only one gift I wouldnt care.”
You will find a middle ground where silly crazy immature things still happen and fear and frustration are over not-so-important things again. Just one step at a time, my friend! The journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. You too will arrive at your destination in victory!
P.S. We would love for you to come to our Lacrosse Event on August 1st in MD. It is to honor Teens and young Adults Conquering Cancer. It would be one more chance for you to inspire. E-mail me and I’ll send you an invite.
Hugs, Mrs. Miller
Adam,
Wow, what a mindblowing piece. It really makes me understand how little I understand your plight. I can think about it and hear you talk about it, but at the end of the day, your experiences are truly unique.
I guess the closest parallel I can think of is when you’re cutting weight. Everyone looks at your suffering and you look back with pain and hunger on a level they will never fully grasp. And after you make weight, you are that much stronger, more disciplined, and more resilient. Again, this is a feeble comparison to the struggles you have overcome, but a comparison nonetheless.
Good luck with everything – you the man!
Dear Sweet Adam,
Give it time! Your return to school is all very new and fresh! You are still undergoing treatment, too.
You compared yourself to a returning soldier, and that is probably an accurate comparison. It takes them time, too.
Your life will be ‘back to normal’ one day, – it may be a ‘new normal’, but you WILL feel more at home at school, and in daily life. You’ll see!
When the treatments are done, you will see that sometimes you will actually FORGET cancer, and that it won;t be part of your every thought.
The further you are from treatments, the more cancer moves to the background.
You are amazing to be doing all that you are doing!
Stay warm and safe!
Hugs,
Mrs S
Young Warrior
I might as well strike while the iron is still hot !!! That’s what illness does to us. It robs us of our innocence, and turns us into battle ready/tested/adults. Illness is the fire that has tempered you and you survived. It is not my imagination that you are a battle tested and fired warrior. For those of us who have been following you for the last year.
I am a 41 year old man with AIDS who has seen his fair share of suffering and death. And I sit in class with kids sometimes 20 years my junior. I know what you are speaking about. There is so much they don’t know, and will never know, unless they become part of our life witness. You think Cancer is not good dinner conversation try AIDS or HIV. It’s just as bad on the scale.
But You lived. And you did it valiantly. You have a wealth of witness to share with people. You have a true ability to witness to your faith, your illness and your survival.
You are right… “WHO you were, is not WHO you are today.” Because we live in the moment. We are in this moment. This is who You’ve BECOME. You’ve grown into a fine young man with stories to tell and miles still to travel.
I don’t disclose my status to anyone unless they enter the circle. Nobody needs to know. Disclosure is a hot topic. That is something you learn at school. What to say, when to say it, and who to say it to???
I never disclose to Un-invested people in my life. It’s a waste of time, energy and emotion on our parts. Stay in the moment and live in that moment. You know A LOT about life that, pray God, your peers and fellows may never see… That is our witness. That we lived …
I will always be proud of you. Young Warrior…
To thine own self be true my friend.
Jeremy
B”H
Dear Adam,
May you be blessed with a long, and pain free life.
I’ll keep you in my prayers.
-Reuven
Adam, As I read your blog today, this verse immediately came to mind. We have so much learn. I will keep you my prayers.
Malachi 3:3 says: “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: “He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.” She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, “How do you know when the silver is fully refined?”
He smiled at her and answered, “Oh, that’s easy — when I see my image in it”
Let things ride. The fun and joy takes time to come back
while battling cancer.
Adam,
Maybe you need to look at things from a different perspective. You feel you have lost something. Maybe it is your innocence or something else. YOu are right in thinking that. However, next time you go to class, look at things a little differently. Maybe that girl 2 rows up that looks so carefree really isn’t. She may feel the same way you do. For her innocence was lost when she was a small child when her uncle decided to molest her. Maybe that guy that sits in the back feels like you because when he was 13 he became the man of the house when his Dad was killed. Do you see where I am going with this? You were already much different than many of your classmates because of your deep faith. You are already different than most of your classmates because you are an elite wrestler. And yes I know these topics are not conversation killers. You were extraordinary before the cancer and you still are. Who knows , Some of those kids who you think are so Carefree and green about life, may not be at all. And some of those kids may be wishing they had your faith and strength. Aahh, human nature. Always wanting what someone else has. Every person everywhere has a story. And no 2 stories are alike. I know your sory will be about victory!
Or…maybe that girl two rows up is smoking hot and wants some Adam Frey lovin
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