Published on May 14th, 2009 by Adam in Adam's Blog with 947 Comments »
I’m pretty discouraged.ย My numbers go down, and they tell me its not working according to their judgement.ย What the hell.ย I went to the doctors today for a “fast appointment.”ย I wanted to get in, out and just whatever.ย My mother, who has a hard time keeping her mouth shut at times prodded question after question for two and a half hours.ย I swear the infernos of hell cannot be that bad.ย I got to sit there and get a detailed description of how I am probably going to die.ย It freakin sucks.ย It all sucks.ย You want me to be honest, I’ll be honest.ย I’m done with the positive, I have not very long to live from most professionals, and I feel ripped off, cheated, stressed, and everything else.ย I feel pains and most of the time, my life is a living hell.ย All that hard work to get screwed.ย I cannot even say that hard work and values work in this world, because they don’t.ย I busted my ass as hard as the next person, and for what?ย The average death row inmate lives longer than I do.ย Most live 15-20 years…after being sentenced.ย Ironic isn’t it?
I had dreams, aspirations, I wanted to be president.ย I wanted to be a father.ย Maybe even graduate college.ย That is slowly going to hell in a hand basket.ย And please, don’t tell me to fight, or be positive, or any of that stupid bull$#%&.ย This is something you cannot fight.ย You just sit there and take it and hope it works.ย A lot of times I wish I could be put down, just humanely euthanized like an old dog.ย I’m not that lucky, I get to go through organ failure, hospitals, being hooked to tubes, the whole bit.ย It sucks.ย
I asked for the big chemo guns again, they won’t give them to me.ย I asked to fight it.ย What I got was a notion of being a lab rat experiment again…if I even get in.ย I pray, plead and beg, yet I don’t know what his plans are.ย Nothing looks good.ย I can’t put the facade on much more.ย Reality is reality.ย It hurts, it sucks, I wish I had my life back.ย I probably would have had more fun instead of working for the future.ย My future seems destined for a box.ย
Its just a waste.ย I feel like everyone thats been there, helped me along, all my hard work, just pointless.ย If I was told a while ago that I was going to die so young, I would have had more fun, hung out with more friends, did so much different.ย I wouldn’t have worked so hard for things that will probably have no effect.ย I need a miracle.ย I believe in them, I just am beginning to doubt that they are for me.ย
I guess there still is hope, and I know three fourths of you will take it as such.ย I have hope, just also a heavy dose of reality.ย I doubt the three fourths of you have had people look you in the face and tell you that cancer was going to kill you, and how.ย Tell you matter-of-factly that some people just die form these things.ย Some people, healthy, never smoked, worked out regularly, smart, hardworking, just get screwed over at 23.ย Its a freakin blast.ย I get spared from a car wreck to die a miserable cancerous death…I guess that jerk who commented on how I was going to die was right.ย Go figure.ย Of course there are things that may prolong my life, and I am going to do them as they come hoping one of them will fully work.ย It just is a longshot, and its out of my hands.ย Fighting is pointless, you can’t fight something like this.ย You can take the drugs, stay in shape, do whatever, but fighting it, that is impossible.ย
Well, yeah I am sure this is not what everyone wanted to read asย their daily inspiration, but to be quite honest, I am not that inspiring.
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