Honest Truths
Published on May 14th, 2009 by Adam in Adam's Blog with 150 Comments »
I’m pretty discouraged. My numbers go down, and they tell me its not working according to their judgement. What the hell. I went to the doctors today for a “fast appointment.” I wanted to get in, out and just whatever. My mother, who has a hard time keeping her mouth shut at times prodded question after question for two and a half hours. I swear the infernos of hell cannot be that bad. I got to sit there and get a detailed description of how I am probably going to die. It freakin sucks. It all sucks. You want me to be honest, I’ll be honest. I’m done with the positive, I have not very long to live from most professionals, and I feel ripped off, cheated, stressed, and everything else. I feel pains and most of the time, my life is a living hell. All that hard work to get screwed. I cannot even say that hard work and values work in this world, because they don’t. I busted my ass as hard as the next person, and for what? The average death row inmate lives longer than I do. Most live 15-20 years…after being sentenced. Ironic isn’t it?
I had dreams, aspirations, I wanted to be president. I wanted to be a father. Maybe even graduate college. That is slowly going to hell in a hand basket. And please, don’t tell me to fight, or be positive, or any of that stupid bull$#%&. This is something you cannot fight. You just sit there and take it and hope it works. A lot of times I wish I could be put down, just humanely euthanized like an old dog. I’m not that lucky, I get to go through organ failure, hospitals, being hooked to tubes, the whole bit. It sucks.
I asked for the big chemo guns again, they won’t give them to me. I asked to fight it. What I got was a notion of being a lab rat experiment again…if I even get in. I pray, plead and beg, yet I don’t know what his plans are. Nothing looks good. I can’t put the facade on much more. Reality is reality. It hurts, it sucks, I wish I had my life back. I probably would have had more fun instead of working for the future. My future seems destined for a box.
Its just a waste. I feel like everyone thats been there, helped me along, all my hard work, just pointless. If I was told a while ago that I was going to die so young, I would have had more fun, hung out with more friends, did so much different. I wouldn’t have worked so hard for things that will probably have no effect. I need a miracle. I believe in them, I just am beginning to doubt that they are for me.
I guess there still is hope, and I know three fourths of you will take it as such. I have hope, just also a heavy dose of reality. I doubt the three fourths of you have had people look you in the face and tell you that cancer was going to kill you, and how. Tell you matter-of-factly that some people just die form these things. Some people, healthy, never smoked, worked out regularly, smart, hardworking, just get screwed over at 23. Its a freakin blast. I get spared from a car wreck to die a miserable cancerous death…I guess that jerk who commented on how I was going to die was right. Go figure. Of course there are things that may prolong my life, and I am going to do them as they come hoping one of them will fully work. It just is a longshot, and its out of my hands. Fighting is pointless, you can’t fight something like this. You can take the drugs, stay in shape, do whatever, but fighting it, that is impossible.
Well, yeah I am sure this is not what everyone wanted to read as their daily inspiration, but to be quite honest, I am not that inspiring.
God Bless,
Adam Frey
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Your a damn fine man and an honor to know.
I don’t have too many health problems that I know of, but none of us really know how long we’ve got. Every time I walk out my front door or drive through rush hour traffic I’m risking something. But I do it because I keep hoping that I can get to something better. There are a lot of days in my life that I wish I could’ve done more. If this was my last one I would have a lot of regrets. But it hasn’t been for nothing. Good things came out of my life and people are better for knowing me. I’m gonna try to keep going like that as long as I can, for as long as I’ve got.
The main thing I hope you get from this is that great things have come out of your life. People you’ll never even meet are better off because of the life you’ve led up to this point. I’m rooting for you, I’m scared, and I don’t know how long you’ve got either. You have every right to feel the way you do but I hope you don’t regret busting your ass the way you have over the years. It IS inspiring. You were inspiring long before that car accident. Whatever time you’ve got left, I hope you find it in yourself to keep being an amazing person.
I have been following your blog intensely and praying for you frequently though I have never posted a comment. I have followed your wrestling career since you were a stud at Blair and wrestled studs at junior nationals – Nathan Morgan, Matt Valenti and Darrell Vasquez come to mind. You are truly an inspiration, and are fighting more courageously than anyone possibly could. You obviously deserve better. Though you are discouraged, you have inspired me and countless others by your attitude, resilience and determination. No matter what the final outcome is, you are the ultimate winner and warrior. You represent everything that is good about humanity. Just as you have never quit, I will not ever quit pulling and praying for you. As long as there is time on the clock, anything is possible. Keep fighting. God Bless.
P.S. I saw that your Penguins advanced to the next round of the NHL playoffs. Congrats!
I a complete stranger to you but I’ve read your blog all year long. I don’t know how to possibly comfort you while you’re in such a position. All I can say is I’m hoping every single day that there is a miracle for you, and you are in my thoughts. I don’t know how much comfort this is to you but you have taught me such a valuable lesson for my life, and you have touched so many people who haven’t even met you. I think you are the strongest and bravest person I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know through your wall posts. There are so many people out here in the world (I am in Armenia right now, a small country next to Turkey- even halfway around the world you’ve touched our hearts) that are keeping our fingers crossed for you. We love you.
Prayin’ that you have the strength to get through whatever comes your way Adam.
Hi Adam …
Perhaps you remember me from NHCC. I used to do the church newsletter and interviewed you by phone one time for an article a few years ago.
Your May 14th post on the web site was very blunt and I appreciated your honesty about the feelings you have right now. I’m not writing to say the same old stuff about hanging in there and praying for a miracle. You’ve heard that enough I’m sure. Instead, I’d like to say something more meaningful.
First, even though I’m old enough to be your father, I was always impressed with your ability to focus on goal achievement. Your no-nonsense demeanor and steady accomplishment of difficult goals has been sort of a “reverse inspiration” to me. Normally, it is the older generation who are supposed to inspire the young, but in this case, I found value in observing your relentless pursuit of worthwhile objectives in this life. In other words, you are not a BS’er. If you say you’re going to do something – you do! To my knowledge, you have lived your life in an honorable and Christian manner. Just as I have noticed, so have many others.
That was the first point. The other is that we know God has a purpose for each of our lives. I’m not minimizing what you’re going through Adam, but when our purpose has been fulfilled, it is time for us to leave this temporary existence. Realizing that our time in this life is short and we’ll soon be face to face with the God who died for us is something I’ve not yet experienced … but I will, and maybe sooner than I think. The fact is, whether we die today or 50 years from now, everyone alive today will be just as dead 100 years from now in either case. And a hundred years is a whisper in the roar of eternity. After we’ve existed in perfection with God for our first Billion years, the wink of an eye we spent here will be pretty much irrelevant.
Being around 50 now, I’ve watched many people from my generation leave this world one by one. It seems like hardly a month goes by anymore without someone I’ve known passing away. Right now two movie actors from my generation, Farrah Fawcett and Patrick Swayze, are both in the final stage of cancer and not expected to live much longer. Not long ago, they were both ultra-successful Hollywood “beautiful people” and now they have only months remaining in this life. The point is, we are all in line awaiting our turn to leave. Some of us will get there going 10 miles per hour and some will get there going 80 miles per hour, but one thing is certain: we will ALL get there.
You will remain in my prayers during this most difficult time.
Your Brother in Christ,
- Jay
Adam,
I understand this is the post you wanted to do as it was very painful for you. I have to believe that you have a lot of strength in you to fight this deadly disease. If not, look at your family, friends and fellow blog readers for inspiration. They will be there to pick you up and get you back on track. It is ok to feel sad and cheated but you want to enjoy the time you have on earth whether it is a dinner out with family or poker night with the boys. You create your memories and they will live long in hearts of others who shared the time with you.
I can’t help to cry for you but I know you are a fighter like I am in my own health issues. It pales in to comparison with yours but I have fought and fought them time and time again. As I get older, I find more issues to deal with and I deal with them with a positive outlook so please do it for your everyone in your life.
I will pray for you and think of you each time I struggle as you are a hero and inspiration to me to fight on.
Chris
Oh Adam again as a mom all I want to do is hug you and tell you things will be alright, but I can’t cause it may not be alright by your standards. Since I can’t do that I would advise you to go live your life to the fullest what ever time is left. Do as much from your “life to do list” as possible. Negativity only makes the cancer grow faster so try if you can to stay focused on this wonderful world you LIVE in. You are alive and you can still do things with your life so get out there and do them. Take inspiration from the Carnegie Mellon Professor, Randy Pausch. Listen to his “Last Lecture”.
And remember Adam we are all dying, but right now we are all alive. We should all be living life to it’s fullest EVERY day!
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
Albert Einstein
Adam – Don’t have regrets. You did as you were meant to do. You are a fighter who fought the fight. Any other way would have been against your character. Then you would have had regrets! That character of yours is what has inspired thousands, probably a million people. You are a most extraordinary person, one that has made your parents, your brother, your family and your thousands of supporters proud! You have touched and inspirred more people in your 23 years than most people do in a life of 80 years! What an incredibly special life you have lived. I ache for you. The time ahead will be hard. Make peace with yourself…for you have not failed. This world is better for you having been here, teaching us to be better people, to appreciate life more, to share of ourselves and be selfless. Whatever time you have left, I have left or any of us have left…may we live it to the fullest potential. Thank you Adam, for being you.
Linda Gold
Mt Airy, Maryland
Dear Adam,
There is not much that I can add to the previous posts. Wrestling Mom has said it better than I can.
Sweet Adam, you have every reason to feel angry, but DO NOT ‘throw in the towel’!! There are SO many stories of people who are given dire statistics, only to prove them wrong. Why can’t you be among them??
You have made such an impact on your fans worldwide. You have prayers and BE WELL vibes coming from all over the world.
Take a deep breath and know that we are all here to help in ANY way that we can.
With love and hugs,
Mrs S
God bless you Adam. You are in our prayers.
Adam
Your last thought was wrong Adam. You are inspiring…… one of the most amazing young men I have had the honor to get to know (although not personally, only through your blogs.) We are with you in friendship and spirit.
You have every right to vent, yell, scream, complain, and be angry. We all have become a part of you! We are here to listen and pray for what ever you need.
Right now, we need to pray for your strength to continue your battle and find comfort from Him in whatever path lies ahead.
You continue to be an inspiration. We are here to listen to whatever you need to say. Praying for you…….
Jackie
Adam,
I haven’t been in your shoes, but someone I loved has. All I can say is that the fight wasn’t for nothing. If you had given up, you and your family would never know what might have been. There is tremendous comfort in knowing that you did all you could, regardless of the result, and closure will be much easier for those who love you to achieve. If you leave everything you had out on the mat and still lose, you can have no regrets.
Peace, my brother in wrestling,
Jack Alkon
Assistant Wresgtling Coach
Southington (Connecticut) High School
Adam,
As a mother, my heart aches for the pain and anger you are experiencing. We never want our child to hurt whether you are 3 or 23. This song Little Wonders by Rob Thomas reminds me of you and your experiences.
Little Wonders – Rob Thomas
Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain
Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by,
It’s the heart that really matters in the end
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain
All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now
You never have to apologize for how you feel.
Adam Frey – you are an outstanding, terrific, dazzling young man who proudly shared with the world your inner most thoughts and feelings and has touched our lives in so many ways that you will never be able to understand.
I also have a 23 year old son and I have learned from all this to enjoy life every single day – take nothing for granted and have no regrets. As a mom, I’ve learned to let go of the little things for in the grand scheme of things all we have is time, and we never know how much or how little.
I don’t personally know you Adam, but I love you for all you’ve done.
Cheryl
What a powerful post, Adam. Everyone’s lives are in God’s hands. You can still prove those doctor’s wrong. A very good friend of mine was told she only had 3 weeks – 3 months to live because of a brain tumor. The experimental drugs they used to treat it caused damage to her lungs and heart. That was 2.5 years ago! She still has the brain tumor and still suffers seizures from it, but in that 2.5 years they have developed different drugs that she has been on, with some success. She went back to work after being off for quite a while because of her cancer. She has been working 5 days/week as a court administrator for the last year. She lives in Arizona and rides horses, roping cows in rodeos on the weekend, when she feels well enough. She really doesn’t know how much time she has left, doesn’t want to know. She lives each day like it is her last and never lets the doctor’s rule her life. She does what they tell her, but if it is a treatment day for her and there is something she wants to do with her daughter or husband, she just puts that treatment off for another day. She has been an inspiration for many people, just as you have. I know everyone and every cancer is different. Make the most of everyday. You’ve been through so much, but don’t ever give up. I know it is so easy for everyone around you to say that. Heck, I don’t even know you but I’ve been following your story since PittGirl linked to you. You are a fighter, and you have fought harder that anyone your age should have to, but don’t stop now. Take it one day at a time, and make the most of each day. You are in many prayers, everyday, and will continue to be. Hang tough!!!
Hey Adam,
It’s okay to be a realist, but yet be cautiously optimistic.
I’m sure you’ve probably already read it, but if you haven’t, I think you would appreciate the book, “A Change in the Flight Plan,” by the late Dr. Paul Lanier.
Look, it sucks to die young–but I think many people wish they had a bit more time, whether they’re 23 and looking death in the eye or 83 and doing the same. All these things you’ve accomplished over your 23 years, did you only do them with the expectation that they’d bring you something later or did you do them because you enjoyed them while doing them as well? I think most of us tend to “live for tomorrow” even though we also know that tomorrow may never come. Certainly we are advised of such in the Bible, but I know it is extremely difficult to live that way (I don’t either, unfortunately).
But while you are now claiming to be a realist (and you are), you are also way over in pessimist country as well… to say everything was for nothing? C’mon Adam, your little pea brain, and all of ours, cannot know the far-reaching effects of our actions. Think of all of the lives you have touched with your blog, with the speeches you gave, etc. I just read a comment from a woman from the other side of the world! How do you know that your dedication to fitness and your striving for a good education was to help you survive your car crash, help you survive this cancer and its hellish treatments (even if it is for just a time..), and ensure you were literate enough to put your thoughts in writing to share with the world? If you inspired just one person with your faith and helped them with faith of their own, was it all a waste?
As hard and as uncomfortable as it is, try not to get stuck in the tunnel vision approach that the only worthwhile goal was/is for you to “beat” this monster. It just might not be the case.
Doug
Adam,
You have every right to be upset, just know that there are so many people pulling for you and praying everyday that you get the miracle you deserve! You have been an inspiration to many and your strength is amazing. Your hard work and fight have paid off…things would have gone differently if you had just thrown in the towel and not worked so hard to stay healthy. Third period conditioning will win a match!! Remember that …stay strong…you are just entering the third period.
Adam,
I have never posted here, but have been reading for awhile. Your determination and willingness to blog all that is happening with you is truly inspiring. Check out this church in Redding, CA called Bethel Church. They are a church that actively seeks and expects miracles. People have visited there from all over looking for a miracle. On this website, they have testimonies from people who have been healed in some manner. Please check it out.
http://www.ibethel.tv
I’m from Iowa and I have no affiliation to this church, I just often listen online to sermons from their head pastor, Bill Johnson.
God bless and praying for God to comfort you and provide that miracle we are all praying for.
Amy
Adam…
…I, and hundreds of others – maybe thousands, am still walking beside you…
…each of us is there to to lean on or to carry the other…
…peace…and joy…be with you…
Bill
Young Warrior
I was afraid that this was going to happen eventually. But we always kept you on the line of cautious optimism, as others have said above. You know I’ve been here, several times in my life. I am sorry that this has come about so soon. I had hoped, I think, like you that some of this treatment was going to work and that your life would be extended and possibly get the cancer to go into remission. God had other plans.
You know as well as I do that you are so young to have to face this reality so soon. I was your age when they told me that the first time. But I hung on and I fought even in the face of death. I know you are upset and sad about this and your anger is justified but I can only encourage you to savor every moment and live and fight. The only way to do this is to keep walking one foot in front of the other.
Could of, would of, should of… is now useless. Now you know what it is that you must do. Who you must see and what has to happen. If you give up and give in then that will only hasten the end and I don’t want that for you.
So you have to keep your head above the water and just live one day at a time. There has to be a treatment somewhere that has some percentage of helping you. Find the doctor that will help you live and don’t settle for being told that you’d only be a lab rat. That’s what you’ve been doing for the last 18 months. So why the change of attitude from the doctors?
Adam, I am sorry … I worry for you now. And I will continue to pray for that miracle that it comes. You can’t give up. Don’t allow death to invade and take you down. Because if you do, the end will come sooner than expected.
I also have pondered the thought of being “put down” several of my friends had their exit plans written down. Been here – done this too. I wouldn’t want to die all hooked up to tubes and machines. There are options. But that is not for right now. We can’t think about these things that you are pondering because they will only keep you down.
One step at a time Young Warrior.
Know that I care and that I am praying …
Jeremy
Your life has already mattered enormously. And you’re not done yet.
God Bless you …. you have fought so strong and couragously; you deserve better and this sucks.
Like so many others, I don’t personally know you – but I am so inspired by you. You matter – your fight matters. You have touched this world in a positive way. I will keep praying for you.
I hope you will take what you have and cherish everyday -
Adam,
It hurts to wait to die. But you don’t have to go out that way. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t, but always stay positive. If it does, make sure that you send a message. Not a bad message, but one of hope for others. I’m always reminded of the speech Lou Gerhig gave as a great example. I hate to quote someone so infamous, but he once said, “It is better to live one day as a lion, than every other day as a lamb.”
Enjoy what you have right now and what you can get. If the party ends too soon then it does, but leave something behind. Don’t let anyone forget your fight. That is what is going to remain. Nobody wants to remember someone who just sat back and waited, instead I’d rather remember someone who seized control and did things their own way to the end of the finish line.
I dont believe in that everything happens for a reason stuff. You have a right to be pissed off. But I sure know that after reading this blog over the past year I can say that you are a true bad ass. This shit does not happen for a reason but I can say that many many people will be stronger, live their lives fuller, and be closer to the example that you have shown. You have made the world a better place.
Adam,
I have read this blog throughout your ordeal and I can only say that you have to see how what you are going through serves to remind people of the brevity and unexpected nature of life. You are still here and approach each day and wring out of it what you can. You might be surprised by the rewards that you will reap from that. You will always fight, even when you say you won’t, I can hear it in your words. Your bitterness over what people are telling you about your chances is understandable. Please remember that how you live in every second is the way that you show people what you are about, and I see a lot of good. We enter this world with no guarantees and we exit it leaving behind only what we have chosen to share of our experience. You, my friend, have made a point to share some of the darkest moments of your life, and in that you have given all of us a glimpse of what is the most vauluable thing in life, being in the moment. You can look forward and you can look back, but here is where we reside and here is where we leave our mark. You are doing that in each word you choose to type here if you are feeling good or bad. I wish you the best and pray you beat this somehow.
Adam, The Md wrestling community is thinking about you and praying for you. We’re hoping for that miracle that you’re looking for. You’re one of us and we’re all with you in your difficult time. Thank you for keeping us focused on the important things in life. Take care.
Adam,
It is so hard to read your posts. Everyday it is a different emotion. You truly have been on a rollercoaster ride. Every comment that has been left in your guestbook has taken care of every stance possible. By now, we are all just echoes of a few main opinions.
Be pissed at your situation, but don’t quit. I only spent a few short weeks with you in NYC and you didn’t seem like a person who has quit one thing in your life. Don’t start now because that is not Adam Frey. Be mad as you can possibly be…in my opinion anger is a strength. It is a sign of fire and determination to succeed. How many times have you been an underdog in your wrestling career and come out on top because of your drive (by the sounds of things you were usually favored!) Get angry like you would with any other opponent you have faced, that is all this is. Cancer is the heavyweight champion and this is your first ever fight. Make it a fight for the record books. 15 rounds til the final bell. Who knows what will happen, but everyone will be inmpressed at your run for the title! Take care Adam, prayers are with you!
Matt Lauffer
I once watched a movie called “The Wizzard of Oz” Maybe you saw it. There is a line in the movie I will never forget. It was when the wizzard handed out the Tin Man’s heart…………….It makes me think of you!
“A heart is not judged by how much you loved rather how much YOU are loved by others!”
Adam – We don’t really know what to say right now other than you are the most courageous man we have ever met. You have had to endure much more than any person should have too. You are an incredible inspiration to people both far and near. Live each day to its fullest and know that you are in our prayers. God Bless.
Adam,
No matter what happens, you have touched our hearts from wrestling hard to giving people a new look on life. Reading what you are going through, and then seeing you at events in which we were at, has given people you haven’t met inspiration. You may be sick of fighting, but its not in your nature to quit. Keep your chin up and we (in the wrestling world) are pulling for you in the ultimate come back. God bless,
Jack Jensen
UNC Asst. Coach
I think you have accomplished a lot Adam. You got on a D1 wrestling team and an Ivy legue school. Those are accomplishments. You definately have a lot of people that care about you to which is also an accomplishment. It is horriable that you have to go though cancer at such a young age. I am really sorry and you will be in my prayers. Please don’t lose hope. My life has had a lot of death in it and the people that live live longer happier lives are the people who keep hope. If you completely give up on life it will make it a lot worse. I don’t know your odds of living I am guessing they are slim but that does not mean you can beat the odds. I mean didn’t you beat the odds and get into cornell? I may not know a lot about you but just from the things I do know about you I can tell you are a strong person. Keep fighting and tell those doctors to go #%@# themselves.
-James
Adam – I have never had the pleasure of meeting you and have only seen you wrestle a handful of times, but want to offer my prayers and support. Five years ago the mother of another recruit told me about meeting you on one of her son’s recruiting trips. Your energy and love of life and “offbeat nature” impressed her to no end and her tale was memorable. I started paying attention to your career from that point and have to say you are one exciting, take-no-prisoners battler.
Thank you for your message, your spirit and your honesty. Please rest, but do not stop, go one more day, with gusto, Adam. It is your style. You are an inspiration to parents everywhere. God Bless Adam Frey,
Kevin Klemm
Real, uncluttered truth and humanity are rare, rare things in this world. I think you boiled down the entire human conundrum into 2 sentences:
“If I was told a while ago that I was going to die so young, I would have had more fun, hung out with more friends, did so much different. I wouldn’t have worked so hard for things that will probably have no effect.”
Mr. Frey…whether you are gone in 3 days or 30 years your words and lessons will live on, will inspire and will guide people toward what’s real and worthwhile in life. What’s happening to you is unfortunate and unfair…it’s a downright bitch. Yet out of it you have built a legacy with a reach far more expansive than the tragedy from which it was born. That takes courage. That takes daring. That takes a willingness to accept living and dying with honesty. And that is a type of bravery unparallelled.
You may not see it. To you it may just seem like “honest truths”. But trust me when I say that we do see it. And we are awed by it and grateful for it. Truth is the most precious gift after love.
Thank you, Adam. You’ve done well, son.
Adam,
I’m so sorry for your pain and your suffering. This is my first time writing on here and I had read and kept track of your journal and then I stopped looking at it until today. Nobody will really know what to say to you and I’m sure I would be very pissed off if I was in your shoes also. I will pray for your health and hope for the best, but it is definitely ok to be pissed off also. Just remember your friends and family will always be there for you and if you have to go blow off some steam, do it. Just remember you have a lot of people that love and care about you and no matter how pissed off you get or want to quit, they are not going to let you.
You are a fighter and a champion and you deserve to have some fun. Live it up man and I still believe the best is going to workout for you.
Take care and keep fighting!!!
Adam,
There are (4) boys in my family, all of whom wrestled. I’ve watched you wrestle, and it goes without saying you were a great wrestler. Anyway, in the past (2) weeks our mother who is 60 years old has went from what we thought to be prefectly healthy, to having stage 3 lung cancer, with a 20% chance of survival. While she has lived 60 good years, we’re all still asking some of the same questions you are. I will say you’ve inspired our family with your writings, so don’t think you’re not still inspiring and helping people. Anyway, I’ll likely never meet you bud, and there is nojustification for what is happening to you. I do believe everything lives and everything dies, within that time is life. If in your life you have helped and inspired people, or left a legacy for others you’ve truly accomplished what can be done on earth! Also, I wrestled in college and always wondered what it would be like to lay around like many others, which did look appealing! IN the the end Adam, they were all looking at you thinking what a stud, man I’d give anything to have what that guy has! God bless you my friend and know you’re in our prayers.
take care
You are being tested beyond my comprehension. I hope and pray for that miracle you desire.
You are still in my daily prayer, Adam. I can’t begin to know how you feel.
Adam,
People live their entire lives wondering if they made a difference or impact on someone’s life. Most never have it confirmed to them.
Adam Frey, you have made an impact on my life buddy.
Do your thing.
Adam,
I am a not a religious person, I am not a person of deep faith. I am a person, that is older than you, that had two young boys that are both wrestlers. The sport has molded them into good mature young men with goals and confidence. I am not sure I can even structure anything inspiring. You have been dealt a hand that warrants a fight beyond ours. Adam, I read what you wrote today, it is from your true heart, you may not ever realize that your words are powerful, that you are someone stronger than our biggest dreams. I can only wish I had half the will you have. You may write it is over, but the fact you write is your show of strength! YOU HAVE BECOME MY HERO! You inspire with your zest for life, but do not ever feel like it has lessoned what you are, and it is a hero, and someone that I will idolize!! Adam, I am 43 years old and have never felt the test of life, you are my hero!! Yuor fighting is not what I see, but what I hear! I will close my eyes and forever be inspired by Adam Frey!
we love you!
Love, hugs, and prayers are coming at you from every direction.
Be good to yourself.
Dear Adam,
I have watched you through out your Blair days and to college and even watched you come back to coach the Blair kids. I am younger than you and actually grew up wrestling your little brother. This feeling you have right now is how I feel after I lose a close wrestling match (obviously on a different level though). I get so frustrated and swear im going to quit and give up. Then im reminded weither its from teammates or a coach or my father that I should never surrender or give up. After a loss I completly blow them off and think of how full of sh!!!t they are. Then I refocus and calm down and realize I must keep fighting or wrestling back to show how tough i really am. Life has obstacles and right now your stuck at a big one. Im really rooting for you to pull through and keep your head up….NEVER SURRENDER!
Adam,
You are an inspiring person. You are inspriation to many. Your attitude and character is something that I really admire. You have really affected my life in a positive way.
Adam,
I just wanted to tell you that I enjoyed getting to see you wrestle.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…..
Ted,
Adam, one lesson God has taught me is that he wants us to be honest with him. I read the Psalms, Jeremiah, and Job, and hear the cries of frustration, the questions of fairness, the challenges to God, and after the anger and the doubt openly expressed to God, there is still faith in the midst of the darkness. In prayer for you and your family.
God’s blessings,
David & Marcia
Adam,
Thanks for all of your postings. Everyone can see how much energy it took to do it. It has been inspirational for all of us reading.
Keep doing and pushing for whatever seems logical at the time. The good Lord tells us that he will not give us burdens beyond what we are able to bear. Enormous as it is, it seems you are among the few who are able to shoulder what you now have.
I grew up not far from you, and wrestled for an Ivy school many years ago. I recognize the toughness and directness of my home town in what you’ve written. You’re a true champ.
As you have the energy to do it, keep up the postings. They are motivating to us.
And they help us keep things in perspective in a positive way.
Thanks.
Hang in there buddy, we’re all praying for you, just stay tough man. You can do it
Job questioned God, and God did not have anything but blessings for him in the end, and his friends got the short end of God’s grace. Feelings and questions are not a bad thing.
Prayers for you through the valley.
Adam,
I am trying to think of something to say to comfort you and my words fall painfully short.
Contrary, your words have been inspiring to me. Your words have demonstrated strength, hope, a deeper love and appreciation for life, family, and friends. We will all face death eventually but you have more than distinguished yourself by giving us your perspective with your words. I think many will read your words for a very long time and it will be road map to some, inspiration to others and a revelation to many. Your words have been more than powerful, honest and compelling. It has been a privelege to read your words, they possess value to everyone who reads them. You are an amazing person to many many people, I hope you can find some solace knowing you have made an impact by being honestly inspiring with your words.
Thank you
God Bless you and I will continue to pray for you and pray that you find the peace of God.
Philippians 4:7, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Brad Nielson
Man that just bites! I would feel the same way!
I don’t have any more words than that, but a few songs that probably speak more volume (no pun intended) and possible comfort than I can provide:
David Crowder Band Cd Title: Lime Song title: “I Need Words”
Natalie Grant: song title: “Held”
Third Day: song title: “My Hope Is You”
Press on Adam!!!
Sincerely,
Andy
[...] Things are bad with Adam Frey. [...]
Christ, Adam, I wish anything for you but this. I’ve not known what to say to you about this from the beginning, and I still don’t. I was proud of what you did in Fargo, and of being your coach, and I care about you, and you’re right. It sucks. It just all sucks.
Stay strong my friend. You’re right….life s not fair. Blogging about it is your release and, hopefully, a comfort to you when you finish. God bless you and keep writing what is in your heart.
Adam, you are entitled to all your feelings, hopes, anger, memories, and frustrations. Nobody can know just how you feel. I’m moved by your posts, and have come to know you as a man of character and good caliber. Oh yeah, and it is ok to be scared. Yet, everyone of us will someday be going down the same path. I hope your doctors find a surprise and tell you something is happening, and you’re getting and feeling better. I feel for you … wish the best for you. And for your parents, relatives, and the friends that love you as well. With everything going on, you DO have a tremendous amount of inner strength, and you can bet that will help you tremendously. I’m pulling for the return of your health. Take care,
Ron
Adam,
I think that after a while I would probably be taking your approach too. I am a realist. A few months ago I was diagnosed with a heart condition and the docs are clueless about it’s cause or long term effect. I am older than you by 13 years but like you I wanted to know the reality of my situation. It isn’t bad to know that, but it really made me think about making the most out of each day, however good or bad it is going to be. Make the most of your time! Do things that you have wanted to do, spend time and laughs with loved ones, friends, etc. Do the things you love to do, but at the same time fight, just like you always have against your competitor.
Things might seem grim but they are not over, so don’t give up.
You are loved by many and admired by all.
Regards,
Ken
Adam
I wish you and your family the best. Hang in there we are all in your corner and support you in your fight.
Hi Adam,
There are no words to express how I feel right now. All the above posts say much of how I feel. My tears do not help you either. Sure, I want you to continue to fight for your life, but I want you to enjoy yourself the best way you can. Do something you always wanted to do, but had to keep in shape for wrestling and working hard in school~~~~~Go somewhere you always wanted to see. Then do something else. Make your every day count.
Yes, Adam I will still pray for a miracle. It can’t hurt!
Many Blessings,
Wrestling Ma
Adam,
Speaking for all the people that have followed you from the start, we all say THANK YOU! You have definitely changed our lives. Your blogs show your unbelievable coverage. You are a true warrior and a real wrestler.
Take each sunrise with a happy heart. Thank you for being our friend. We are blessed.
We love you and will continue to pray.
Paula McGahee
Adam,
If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be-
If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me-
If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too-
Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains
That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear-
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.
Helen Steiner Rice
You have many more mornings to share!
The Powers Family
My brother was diagnosed with a brain tumor at 20 years old. He ,like you, went through alot of pain. He did and said several things that stick out in my mind during this time. One was that he ,who is the youngest of four siblings, said to us that he was glad it was him and not those of us with children. Another was that he was able to show his sense of humour while in agony and in a very fearful place. My point is that he inspired us just with his way of dealing with it. He wasn’t super human but he was still awesome.
Clearly, you have been an inspiration even before your cancer fight.
Your anger and frustration are justifiable. Don’t feel bad about them. Try not to turn them on your loved ones.
In the end all we have is our faith. Focus on yours and know that even strangers have prayed and will pray for you.
Adam,
You are a true inspiration. You help people like myself realize how precious life is and that we must do as much as we can, while we can. God Bless – man you are a warrior.
Adam, My name is Elizabeth and I am a mom of two young children. My husband was a wrestler and follows your posts on a regular basis. I’ve never written anything like this before, and because I am 41, sometime feel “technically” challenged. I was so moved by what you wrote in your last post. Though I have never had to face the challenges you are currently facing, please dont give up on that “miracle”. They do happen! What I am about to write, I’m sure you have heard already, but here it goes. I’m involved in my church, and we send out “prayer requests” via e-mail. I’m sending a request out for you today. I know this may not seem like alot, but its what I can do. Also, please dont be to hard on your mom, she’s fighting for you. Please know that I am praying for your miracle, and the strength of everyone around.
Adam,
Never ever quit! I have a son that is very much like you. He is a freshmen in college, baseball player, phi beta kappa, etc… but he was born with cystic fibrosis and told that he would not live past 18. Even now his mother makes all of the visits with the physicians and badgers them for answers that they cannot honestly give her. He hates it just like you do but it is just part of being a mother. Don’t ever forget that you would not be the person you are or the wrestler that you are without the drive and determination that you mother gave to you @ birth. Well the doctors were wrong about being dead @ 18 and so was everyone else. He has been given a miracle up until this point but no one has a clue as to how long he will be allowed to stay on this earth. My advice to you would be to soak up every ray of sunshine possible, do what the physicians ask of you, and don’t ever expect anything to be given to you.
God Bless
Go to Vegas with your buddies and have a great time…and I mean a GREAT time.
I’m a Lehigh grad that has followed this blog closely for quite some time now. I won’t say anything cliche…just know that, contrary to your last line, you inspire me. I find your COURAGE and HEART inspiring. Keep on keepin’ on! And may the Lord be with you!
Adam!
I feel the same way the people above feel. What I wanted to say to you is that you have made a difference to me! I’m a mom trying to understand her 18 yrd old son’s journey through cancer. Matt’s not like you in that he’s not a man of many words and he would never tell who ever wanted to listen, but he is like you in that he is a competitor and knew that his attiude would be important to his journey. He is now in remission, but his journey here was hard and what I have now learned is that it’s not over becasue there is the physcological aftermath of cancer. By listening to you I have been able to better understand Matt’s journey and how to help him. Of course not completely, because as much as it feels like its me, it’s not, its he who walks this journey. I will forever be greatful to you and your gift to me as a mom! I can understand all that you feel and you have a right to those feelings, but serach for your air above the water where you can breathe. It’s there look for it, be silent and it will releal itself to you. We will be here all the way! Prayers always!
Mrs. M.
Adam- I would never say that I understand how you or your family feels right now, but I can somewhat relate. Ever since we met you and your mom at Sloan that day in September, Josh and I envyed your strength. With the energy you and your mom possessed you were determined to move mountains, and you have. You WERE inspiring, particularly to us. We all have our moments. There were many grim moments in our battle that I was discouraged, angry, bitter but still hoping for our life to return as “normal.” (whatever that is?) I don’t understand why we have come so far in this world, but that we are still plagued with cancer. I don’t understand why we haven’t found the cure that is supposidly so close at hand. However, what I do believe is that God did not cause cancer, but that he does what he can. That is why every night I pray to St. Anthony for you. My daughter Madylin and I pray for you and we put you in our book at church. (I try and work all the angles) I believe that people can survive this horrible disease. I have a 8 by 10 in my office that says “I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.” I know it will be better for you, i can just feel it. Many prayers the Bitter Family
Adam, my friend and teammate and inspiration. I can’t possible fathom what you and your family are going through. I want to give my prayers to you, Garrett, and your mother and father. What you are doing is quite simply larger than life, and it can only be done by such a “loyal warrior” like yourself. I know whatever happens to you, whatever the future holds, whatever cards you are dealt, you will get through it with grace and dignity. You will always be a champion in my heart. We are all family, and we are all behind you on this journey.
You are a warrior.Thank you for showing me how to face tremendous odds and not give up.Thank you for showing me to not lose faith. When words fail and our heart breaks we cry out to God who understands our pain.As his son prayed in the garden the night before he went to the cross that that the cup would pass nevertheless he was committed that his Father’s will would be done.That allowed us to experience a life that is eternal as long as we ask by faith.I pray that you experience that peace that passes all understanding.You are a true inspiration of what a man of God looks like.
My thoughts and prayers have been with you from the beginnng of your ordeal, though this is the first time I have written. I am sure you continue to amaze and inspire many and I hope you draw comfort and strength from our feeble but well-meaning efforts of support.
Because of your faith, you have already vanquished your foe, and because of your courage, you have a legacy of honor that will forever serve as an example for young wrestlers.
Best wishes for a long and healthy life!
You are one tough guy Adam, and I hope that you will get through this alive. Just keep on fighting!
Adam, you are so strong, and have every right to vent and be mad. Just know we are all walking with you in spirit. I sit in awe reading your blogs and am amazed at your eloquence. I smiled through my tears today reading your latest blog, and remembering you in Fargo with Brent and your “gumby” on the mat side. Oh, we have all been so blessed my young friend, even in the face of such pain and apparent un fairness. I know you have said it all, and have no regrets, but continue on with never holding back and say it all today as there may not be a tomorrow for any of us. Our family is praying for you, and your family. You are special.
Love,
Lynn, Tom, Brent and Chloe ( and your friend Chase from above)
Adam,
Although we have never met each other, you have inspired me on a daily basis. Being a former wrestler myself and now a coach, the mental toughness that you show everyday pushes me along. This past week my wife and I just found out that one of our twin baby daughters was diagnosed with JMML and Noonan Syndrome. She had been sick from day one of birth (March 2009) and now two months later we finally found out what her diagnosis is. After having numerous tests and a bone marrow biopsy and aspiration done she was linked to these two problems. After, finding out, I immediately thought of you and fed off of your positive attitude and mental strength as you approach your situation. There are only 25-50 cases a year of JMML worldwide and how the hell did my daughter get this. I know there aren’t words to say to make things feel better, but I just wanted to let you to know that you are more of an inspiration than any President will ever be. You have provided me with the courage and strength to fight on this battle with my daughter’s sickness. Keep fighting and believing. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Justin
My heart is so heavy right now. Adam, you really have made a difference in so many people’s lives. Look at all the people who are writing now that haven’t written before and think of how many more there are. All of us have gone through your journey with you. We cannot know exactly what you are going through but we have been with you from the beginning and know that you are the most courageous, amazing guy. We can all only hope for a miracle and maybe, just maybe it will happen. In any case, know that you are never alone and you are in our thoughts and prayers always. We will put a little note in the Wailing Wall for you when we go to Israel in July. Be well.
Adam-
Just know that so many are praying for you and wishing you the absolute BEST! When you conquer this, as you have already conquered so many other obstacles, it will be a great day for you, your family, and the cancer community. Wrestling, young people, and the World need more Champions and Warriors like you! Remember, all is done through Faith.
-Alex Clemsen-
Adam,
Make every day count…make every hour count….make every minute count. With prayers of hope and peace to you and your family,
Julie
Regardless of where your battle leads you, Don’t think for a moment that you haven’t been inspirational. It is people like you and the determination that you put forth irrespective of the obstacle that make the sport of wrestling unlike any other. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
I often pray because I think it helps. I am Jewish and carry blessed Catholic medals given to me because I believe it works. I will add you to my nightly prayers, PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP.
You are so stronger than I could ever be. Don’t give up the fight!!! The SOUL is eternal and you got a good one. God Bless my friend.
Adam:
I am a physician and my son, who wrestled at Columbia, steered me to your website. I just have a couple comments:
I don’t know what kind of cancer you have or how advanced it is, but I do know that young people (23 is young) have very strong immune systems and sometimes if the cancer load becomes low enough (from chemo, radiation, surgery, etc.), the immune system will step up and kill the rest of the cells. In other words, some patients (especially young ones) do get cured from cancers that seem incurable. Please do not give up. Your immune system will be stronger if your outlook is good and you remain in good spirits. Obviously, things like sleeping enough and eating right are also important. Some physicians think that picturing your immune system killing the cancer cells also helps. Again, please don’t give up. Continue to fight. The same spirit, hard work, and persistence that made you a great wrestler, may well cure your cancer. I will keep you in my prayers. If you would like to talk, e–mail me at Hymiemfg@aol.com and I will e-mail you my phone number.
Sincerely,
Alan
Hello Adam, My son , Derek S. is on the Harvard Wrestling team and he directed me to your site. The power of the mind should never be under estimated. All drug companies conduct double bind clinical trials wherein the placebo effect accounts for a 25-30% cure rate regardless of the drug being tested. The power of the mind! The reverse is also true. There are documented cases of people dying, just because the Voo-Doo Dr. put a spell on them. Again, the power of the mind. The point is that there is a tremendously strong influence our mind exercises over our body. I believe we can exercise a great deal of control over our bodies even at the cellular level. However, one must remain positive and in control. It is not easy to remain positive, though, when a person must endure all that you are going through, which is why most people don’t. Someone said, “only the strong survive”. It takes great strength for you to remain positive. Only you know the answer to whether or not you possess such strength. Judging your life thus far, I believe you have it. Go do it now!!!
Never appologize for speaking your mind. You may not feel inspiring, but you are.
Adam,
I hardly ever reply to anything that I read, but had to do so this time. I don’t know how I’d feel if I was in your shoes, but I think I’d be pretty pissed off at the guy upstairs. He’s supposed to have big shoulders, so I assume he can take it.
I’ve replied because your effort is truely inspirational to me, and everyone else who reads your blog. Please don’t give up (as I doubt you will), and keep fighting. I know you are going to pull through. Your a classy kid, and I look forward to buying you a beer down the road.
Besh Wishes..
I am not going to make this about me and how you have positively influenced my life…because, quite frankly, it’s tough to really internalize. Like many others, I have read your site religiously (even multiple times a day) in anticipation of the next post — for over a year.
I will say that I am very disappointed in your last post. I am disappointed in the fact that you have preached an inspirational message for so long (irregardless of the daily low-blows that life brings in turbulent times), but then you somewhat stained your past messages with a moment of weakness…as understandable as that is to EVERYONE who reads your blog, including myself.
It is understandable…but it’s still unacceptable. The only thing that I can convey at this point is that many people believe and TRULY LOVE YOU for being an inspiration…I would hate to see that powerful message tarnished with even one or two moments of human weakness that pass the mind and spew onto paper for large audiences to consume.
We all have moments of weakness, but unfortunately, this is not about you and your will to live and how that will hopefully prevail against all. It’s really not. As harsh as it will sound to pretty much everybody, the reality of the situation is that your purpose in this life and your legacy may not be as cut and dry as you envisioned and still envision. If you want to exit this world w/ a true feeling of accomplishment and purpose, you will hopefully realize that this really is not about you or your faith in your own selfish endeavors…as unfathomable as that sounds at face-value.
First, keep venting. You have the right.
Second, maybe keep this thought in the back of your mind…
You have never practiced or trained so you can lose a wrestling match.
Life is like training for a match. Win or lose, you want to be ready and be your best. From what I’ve seen and read, that’s how you’ve been living your life.
Cancer is just another means to an end. You are surely going to die. Either from this cancer or from something else later in life. Why let cancer get the final pin on you mentally?
I’ll give you no religious jargon here, because us living souls only have some printed words and faith to believe that there is more after this first phase of our existence. But I personally do believe there is a next – or second – phase. Maybe you just get to start it sooner than the rest of us and it’s a hundred times better? Maybe you get to stay here longer?
Either way, when you train, you always train to win. No matter who the opponent is.
Best to you, Adam.
Adam I have been following your battle from California and you have amazed me with your grit and determination. I have followed your wrestling career since Blair through Cornell and now I sit here and pray for you and your family. Please God bring peace to the Frey family and provide Adam with the strength to continue with this fight. I am 43 and wish I had the fortitude that you have. The nation is praying for you keep up the battle.
We have been following your story from Maryland, but we have seen you on the mat at Preps and Nationals over the years. We wish you hope. We wish you a miracle. We wish you the strength to continue to vent real hard–when you vent, you’re still fighting the good fight. We love you. We admire the way you have handled this incredible adversity. You will continue to stay in our stream of consciousness. Best to you, buddy…
Adam, ‘Tough Love’ is completely wrong. Absolutely nothing could ever diminish what you’ve given us all through this blog– your strength and inspiration could never be “tarnished” by a moment of discouragement. What makes your writing so moving and compelling is its honesty and straightforwardness– you are sharing your experience, and your experience has been unfathomably hard. You should never have to disguise your pain, because part of what you’ve done with this site is to create a community. We read this blog because we love you, we’re awed and inspired by you, and we want to give you as much support as we can because you’ve given us something we can never repay. Please keep faith that you can come through this buddy, I’m never giving up on you. You are a superman Adam, I love you and I’m praying for you with all my heart. God Bless you.
That’s totally unfair, fighting for nothing like that. But please, never give up, ever. I’ve been praying for you, as well as everyone else who reads this site has been. I hope I get to see you around Friedman again, I love talking to you and hearing what you have to say, as does Dad.
Kudos my hero
Leaving all the best
You know my hero
The one that’s on
-Foo Fighters
?????
the ???? was supposed to be hebrew. It was “L’chaim”
Hi Adam,
I read your piece and I’m not going to disagree with anything you’ve written. The only comment I have is on the joys of living into middle age and beyond. Survival, of course, is instinctive, thousands of years of evolution I suppose. My view: Life is an endless series of obligations from which you never escape. How many people avoid becoming the 40 hour a week workhorse? Not many and it’s a life of drudgery. Life itself is pretty pointless.
What small amount of time we get to enjoy people we care about especially our kids, that’s it. That’s all there is. By the time you retire your body is shot: aching, sagging and no one wants to be around or put up with you. The back 9 of life really is nothing to look forward to – stay healthy enough and you’ll get to attend the funerals of everyone you know or your mind goes and you waste away in a care facility oblivious to everything.
One final note, my career as an inspirational speaker went nowhere and I’m a tad bitter.
Adam my prayers to you and your family in this battle for your life. I pray for peace in your life!
Adam,
I am a former wrestler and followed your career. We have even wrestled Blair and wrestled at the Beast of the East, though I am a little older than you. Its tough reading and hearing a champion like you suffer. Its okay to be “honest” about your feelings and none of us can probably relate to them. Try not to give up Adam, This is who you are… a nationally ranked D1 wrestler… try as hard as you can to push through it. Fight for the reason of never giving up… fight for the spite of the stupid disease. All in all u are always in my thoughts. You have lived as a champion all your life… be who you are Adam… A champion on and off the mat, don’t give up!
Adam I’m sure you have been through a lot of pain with all this. You have tufted it out this long so just keep hanging in there and battling like you would in a tuff wrestling match. All your dreams are still in reach so don’t loose sight of them just yet. Don’t let the doctors get in your head because you can get through this!
Adam, the comments made by “Tough Love” were incredibly ignorant. This blog IS about YOU. It is about YOUR life, YOUR experiences, YOUR will to live and YOUR faith. Your honesty about being discouraged is not a “disappointment” nor does it “tarnish or stain” what has been an inspirational journey you have selflessly shared with us. The reality is, you have inspired more people than most could ever dream of. I will continue to pray for you while you regroup.
Kathy
(South Jersey)
Hi Adam,
It is okay to vent, so go for it. I am 58 years old and I have vented many a time. My wife has M.S., so even though in most folks eyes they wouldn’t believe I could understand, because she is not me. BUT, they are wrong because she really is me in God’s eyes, and in His way we are one. However, when you have vented and the pressure is off, turn to God first and thank Him for this trial, and for all the gifts he has given you in your 23 years. He loves to hear us speak to Him. I know you hear from so many that He loves you………but Adam, He really does. His is the perfect love and the never ending love that none of us can come close to. With your background, there is no telling who you have planted seeds of inspiration with that will lead them to work hard, live a better, more healthy life, and maybe you have said and done things to even lead them to Christ. It is my prayer that your cancer will be healed and that God’s Perfect Will is to grant you a longer life, and to be and have some of the things you have mentioned. I have to tell you that loving Him more than life on this earth has become a very easy thing for me. KNOWING that I am going to be in Heaven one day with Him, and His precious Son is exhilarating…..and I look forward to that day. Even as young as you are, you are wise and gifted beyond your years, from what I read. Whichever way this goes, cling to your faith, prepare to conquer death through Christ Jesus, and be submissive with joy to God’s Will. He loves you more than anyone you can see or touch, and that is the most important TRUTH you can ever realize. If you don’t believe me, remember that He sent His Son to die for our sins, so He knows the grief and pain your parents must feel…He knows your suffering and is with you always…..AND He IS God, and He will do what is best for you, no matter what that is.
May you have peace and joy in your heart, a fervent belief in our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and a love for the Good Lord each day from now on to the end of your journey.
I am just an old guy in Washington State that loves my neighbors in this world. If you ever want to chat, you can email me at rlgillum@gmail.com, or call me at 425-210-1724. I am a pretty good listener, and am really easy to vent to, so please accept my offer any time.
God bless and keep you in His Way,
Ross L. Gillum
Snohomish, WA.
PS: Thought you would enjoy knowing that my oldest son was runner-up to the city wrestling champ in Lubbock, Texas in 1987.
Hey Man, I got a mohawk just like yours. I know you dont want to hear bs but keep your chin up. The only thing to be afraid of is God.
Still (and always) praying for you.
I dont know you but my daughter goes to Blair and I have heard your story. I am praying for you, You are incredibly strong, people twice your age couldn’t face these challenges with your strength and dignity. Your despair is understandable- and hopefully after this dark time there will come some light. I am sorry you have to experience such sorrow and pain. I am so hoping that is this is a short bad time. Hang in there.
Dear Adam,
I remember fondly your wrestling at Fargo and how you looked, rather David-like, winning the top spot in freestyle.
Now that this type of treatment doesn’t seem to be doing well for you, why don;t you go into chelation and massive doses of vitamins and such. There are doctors in the NY or NJ areas that can prescribe that kind of regimen.
I’m sure you’ve encountered wrestlers whom you could not attack for a single leg takedown, but perhaps you switched levels and attacked him upper body!! Well, that would be like this kind of treatment. No chemo, go homeopathic/organic.
I will pray for you.
Adam,
My name is Ollie I talked to you when this ordeal first started. I emailed your school email and talked to you about me being paralyzed from the waist down and actually dying in battle. Adam I did indeed recieved a miracle, but not right away I was paralyzed for a while before I got back. Sometimes it takes time. It is really hard to stay positive and many times you just can’t it’s understandable. You are very brave and inspring in that you fight and fight and feel discouraged, but keep getting up. Adam you asked “was it worth it”? Yes, because you gave all of us a real glimpse into your life and your struggles through it all and we all got to see the real Adam Frey. Thank God for you. Keep living adam… as long as you have breath keep living and cherishing the time you have. If it is your time then you’ve done alot and gave us something to root for and hope for. Thus you can never die. GOD BLESS – Much love adam
God bless you Adam. Never give up, a world of support is with you!
ADAM YOUR IN OVERTIME KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ITS 50/50 PART YOU AND PART GOD ITS HARD BUT KEEP WORKING DO NOT GIVE UP BE BRAVE GO FOR IT FIGHT MAN FUCKING FIGHT .
GOOD NIGHT ADAM & GOD BLESS
Adam,
You were tough from the get-go on this battle. It is not right that you have this affliction.
I wish i could pull it from you and drop it into the Atlantic Ocean. Then i could see you live your dreams.
But-i know you; i know that you will handle this as you see fit.
I am here for you.
With warm regards,
Wayne Catan
Adam,
Philippians 4:6 ” Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ”
Romans 10:17 “Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the WORD of Christ”
Adam, I know you read the Bible, you have a scripture posted on almost every post. Have you totally surrendered your heart, mind, and will to Christ? You know, when you raise your arms, and say with all your heart ” Lord, I need you, I believe you died for all my sins, and that you rose from the dead . I thank you, and ask you to come into my heart, be the Lord of my life” He will !!
The Bible is full of promises for us. That is why it is so important to read and know what those promises are. Remind Him that He said “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” Start looking up the promises, and pray them back to Him.
Only God knows your heart Adam. You have set up this unbelievable website, which over the past year has attracted thousands of people from all walks of life. You have poured out your guts and made your life an open book. Would you use this platform to bring people to know the Lord, before, during and after the miracle? He is not just your only hope, He is the only hope for us all.
Stay in His presence, listen to praise and worship music, {Show me your Glory by Third DAy or anything by Third Day is a good place to start!} I see David Wikerson posted on here. If that is the David Wilkerson from Times Squre Church in New York, he has a great website where you can listen to his teachings.
The Bible say’s “You have not because you ask not” Ask Him. Be desperate for Him, like you are gasping for your last breath!! When we are out of answers and solutions, He is not!!
God is working through you Adam, keep being that willing open vessel that you have been this past year !
In my prayers 24/7!!! wrestling mom
Do not give up the fight! See if their is another trial they can put you on and try and go for it.
You have every right to be angry and certainly let those feelings out.
Make your bucket list and start living again until you can’t move!
I write this in memory of my college friend and runner Richard Minuti who fought
the same fight you are fighting now.
Adam,
Like many have already told you…….keep venting….as you can see, many of us are here listening to you. We all know someone who has gone through this terrible time. You are a warrior, an inspiration, and a great person. A wise man once told me, “everything happens for a reason”. I know we are not always happy with what happens, but in the long run it makes us stronger.
Your countless posts have continued to happen and each time, they make all of us STRONGER. People from all over read your posts, and I am sure they all get ‘choked’ up. Your posts send tears of hurt and joy to everyone.
I know you will continue to fight….you are a WRESTLER!!!
Keep the posts coming and vent however you like.
PS…Always remember the “Patience of Job”
Your friend (PA District XI)
John
there are no words, all are inadequate. Sending you love instead
Hi,
My name is Alicia and I’m from Colorado. I heard about you from a girl on facebook who promoted your website. I am praying for you because I bet it is tough going through all this and not having many people understand exactly what it is you are going through. I was a wrestler as well and I have a deep respect for all wrestlers because in a way we are a family. Don’t give, wrestlers learn this from day one and I hope you don’t forget it. I may not have money or anything really to give you except for my friendship. You can email me and maybe be can get acquainted with one another.
Hope to hear from you.
Alicia H. =)
I hurt for you Adam.
The day they told me of my cancer, I cried, I screamed, and I have fought the fear every day since. I think most of my kids, and my wife now, and their pain when the time comes for me. I only wish I could give you peace and make it stop.
I do not know what to say other then I have found strenght from you and will continue to try and be half the man you are. We must live every day with love and hope for everyone. God bless you Adam.
Adam,
Can’t imagine what to say that hasn’t already been said. At the same time, I guess we all want to say something. So, first, know that you’re entitled to every single feeling you have — whether it’s anger, frustration, disgust or rage. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you’re entitled to your feelings … but there it is, just the same.
No doubt, you have wonderful family and friends who form your primary support system. But you also have this “other” group — literally thousands of us who are ready to listen (or read) anytime. Use us as much as you need to or want to. It’s why we’re here.
The thing is, you ARE an inspiration. I don’t think you could stop being one if you tried. And it’s not simply because you’ve been dealt a horrible hand in the form of a hateful disease; it’s because of who you are and the way you seem to approach everything — from wrestling to school to your faith in God. You are smart and funny and insightful and decent and, frankly, every last bit of that comes through even to those of us who don’t know you personally. You have common sense — something that often seems to be a frighteningly rare commodity in this world. When you tell us about your day and your life, you bring everyone along with you. You are genuine, and that’s why even people who have never met you care so much.
Just keep being you — with whatever thoughts and emotions that brings on any given day.
With love and continued prayers,
Beth
Geez Adam,
That’s a tough but brutally honest blog you wrote. Just know and believe in your heart that God has a plan for all of us no matter how much we can agree or disagree with it. Even when life seems so cruel that we can’t possibly express our thoughts in words. Take comfort that God has used YOU to help others by your illness and YOU stepped up to the plate by giving many an ‘inside look’ at the harsh reality of treatments and the emotional roller coaster you’ve gone through. You’ve had so many “strangers” praying for you and your family which have not gone unanswered. Trust me when I tell you that many people look at life differently because you’ve taken the time to put your thoughts and frustrations into layman’s terms that we can understand.
I have two shirts of yours that I purchased and every time I wear one is a reminder to keep you in my prayers. Keep your head up Adam and I thank you for being such a warrior in the fight against cancer. God bless you as always.
Have you ever had to face an opponent some told you, you would lose to? Then you beat them!
Have you ever been down in a match so deep the “L” was a sure thing in the box score? But you came out with the “W” in the last seconds!
This is that time…DIG DEEPER THAT YOU’VE EVER DUG! LEAVE NOTHING ON THE MAT! EVEN IF THERE IS A 1% CHANCE OF WINNING…THERE IS STILL A CHANCE!
I know it is “easier said than done” for many of us writing to you and maybe all we can offer are words of encouragement and Prayers but we found inspiration in You and we haven’t given up on you! We don’t want you to give up! FIGHT! WRESTLE! WIN!
GOD BE WITH YOU!
adam i know it is so hard not to give up to want to end this and be done with it but i believe that prayer is the greatest power anyone can behold. if you pray enough miracles with the slimmest of margins and best of outcomes can happen. but i think if everyone who says they pray does and you do you will make it.
best of luck your in my prayers always and be strong adam you can make it god bless you and your family
adam,dont give up.i feel for you.ill put u in my prayers at night..miracles happen ill pray for one for you.i believe some people die because they lose hope and go through to much and “want” to die and have no reason.keep faith.my prayers go to you
-logan
keep your head up have faith
you’re were an amazing wrestlers and a fine young man. don’t loose hope. don’t give up. you’re in my preyers. you’re a wrestler, you can make it through ANYTHING. have faith. you’re in my preyers and i know many people preying for you. you can do it. keep fighting.
-christian
Hey Adam,
I met you last summer when you were coaching out at fargo, I was on the PA team. I just wanted to wish you the best of luck and to say what an incredible person you are. Keep on good things happen to good people.
Sincerely,
Nathaniel Brown
adam,
reading this blog tears me up in so many ways. Never I thought someone could go through so much pain and agony. As I think back and remember just over a year ago i had a beloved teacher pass away from cancer. It tore me apart looking at him as he went through so much hell with chemo and nights at the hospital. But Adam, its not over for you just yet. Don’t let some doctor tell you what you can or can’t do. They cant live your life. At such a young age you already face death right in the eyes. You can’t let it scare you, look past it and attempt to make the best of everything you have left. I know im just another person on here trying to make you feel better; but who knows if youll even read this. “life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood”-Helen Keller. Take the quote into mind and realize that Helen Keller couldn’t do much either. She manage very well though to do what she could by defying the odds. So do me and everyone else a favor: DEFY THE ODDS. I, I mean, WE, believe you can overcome this tragic event. As I could go on and on writing to tell you not to give up just yet ill stop. Just please don’t stop believing in yourself. Do everything you can right now if your numbers or back up. Don’t hesitate. If you ever read this, don’t just look at it and say its just another cheer me up letter, take it into consideration as well as everyone else’s on here.
have faith
love, allen.
Adam,
Go ahead and feel what you feel, you’re entitled to that much. I did notice in your anger, you don’t mentioned anger toward God. You are right, reality is reality, and for you, it’s not rosy. What I find inspiration in is your humanity, the fact that you are open and honest about all this, yet, not seeming to lose faith in God over it all.
Praying you find peace amidst this.
Adam,
You have every right to feel the way you do. You have battled this for over a year and continue to face one set back after another. No one will ever understand your pain unless they someday walk in your shoes. I know once the latest prognosis sinks in you will dig deep into your faith and gut and will begin to fight the fight once again. You are a Wrestler and a Christian….for this reason, you do not know how to quit fighting, and you know that your future holds eternal life with Christ. God Bless, and know that I continue to pray for you.
Sincerely,
Denise Young
adam how it going today give a call sometime if you need something we can help you with .Bob GOD BLESS
Adam,
We are still praying for you at St. Ed’s.
Keep the Faith
Hi Adam,
I am a longtime follower of your blog and of your career. I wrestled in high school in New Jersey just before you came to Blair. I have since completed medical school and am now a resident in medicine and am going into oncology after this. I have been truly inspired by your blog over the past year. When I feel frustrated and don’t want to do this anymore, I draw from people like you. This is why I am doing what I am doing, to find treatments and potential cures for this disease. I will not quit in this pursuit for you and all the other people that have to deal cancer. I thank you for everything you have done to bring awareness amongst the wrestling community of cancer and the passion you have reinstilled in me to work for a cure. Keep fighting.
Jorge
I have just started to read your blog (started at the beginning and am now current just this past month). The Lord know’s your strength for He gives us nothing that we can’t overcome when we rely on Him for our strength.
Praise the Lord that in our weakness He is shown to be strong and we can glofiry Him. You know His love for you and strive for the ulitmate victory of when the day comes to see Him face to face, you will hear “well done good and faithful servent…come and share in your Master’s happiness” that is far greater than any victory any of us could gain in these earthly bodies.
Hi Adam
Just to let you know that you are in our thoughts all the time.
Hoping that you are feeling well, and can enjoy the spring weather and break from school.
It is understandable that you are angry and discouraged on some days, but KEEP FIGHTING! Continue to persevere! If anyone can beat this, – it’s YOU!
(Hope you have been in touch with the dr who posted here a few days ago.)
With love and hugs,
Mrs S
Adam – Hope things are going better for you. Enjoy the sunshine! God Bless
I am still with you–my friend. I am in your corner. More importantly, God and Jesus are in your corner. Regardless of what happens–they will be there with open arms when you come off the mat. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hey man, just got done reading your latest blog. Man, you are human and if you cant vent, than I don’t know who can! A times we, wrestlers, feel we are this mythical being that can tackle any obstacle and/or pressures; but in reality we are simply human. I guess the mental advantage that wrestlers have is that we go through horrifying workouts, and we are probably more prepared than most when it comes to tackling life’s struggles (at least that’s what I like to think). Maybe that mental aspect is what has taken you this far, and will continue to take you even farther!
Your a beast and I hope you have better days ahead! Actually, I know you will because I just got done listening to your Intermat Interview and you sounded great. I would say do what you when you can, but we wrestlers always do extra
(couldn’t imagine it any other way).
RM
Adam,
I e-mailed you once before to tell you what a strong individual you are and that I hope my four boys grow up to be 1/2 the man you seem to be. Life throws curveballs all the time, but what you have done in an inspirational way is priceless and flat out awesome. You are not judged by the amount of time on earth but what you have done in that time. You are a inspiration for me and my family and we want you to know you will be in our prayers. In the meantime none of us really know how long we will be here in this world, so enjoy your time and lay your head on your pillow every night knowing you are touching many people. That is truly a gift . God Bless!!
Adam,
I just listened to your interview on intermat.You sounded great.
I will keep you in my prayers.Good luck and God bless.
Adam:
I’ve been following your blog from the time of your accident. While I cannot know what you’re going through, I do want to say that you’re fight against this terrible disease HAS been tremendously inspiring to me, and has NOT been in vain to me or to the many people posting here. No matter what happens, continue to hold your head up, and realize the effects that you’ve really had on other people, even when you can no longer fight back, and can only wait and see what God has in store for you. I will continue to pray for you daily, and that somehow, you’ll find a way through this impasse.
In Christ,
Dave
PRAYING PRAYING PRAYING for the MIRACLE!!!! ” No weapon formed against you shall prosper”
Adam,
I kind of know what your going thru. I am a cancer patient. I know
what it’s like to be treated with chemo drugs and not be able to just
enjoy a simple glass of water.
About 30 yrs. ago my father died and I was really angry. He was only 53. Man, was I
angry. I’ll be brief here. My pastor realized I was angry and so he invited me to attend a
prayer healing service with other denominations in the community on Staten Island–catholics,
presbyterians, methodists, baptists, etc. I was a little reluctant to go. I thought that miracles
only happened 2 thousand years ago.
At one point during the prayer-healing service all of us–perhaps 30–joined hands in a circle
and prayed. During the prayer I felt this incredible heat go thru my hands and body, and
my heart rate must have been extremely high with no feeling of fatigue. Afterward I
was emotionally high. I thought, was this the power of the holy spirit?
I never shared this story until last Aug. when I was diagnosed with colon ca with mets to liver and lungs.
What’s interesting is that the people in that same prayer circle 30 yrs. ago had the same
experience, but were quiet about it. Some people called me when they herd of my diagnosis
and we started to open up and concurred with that experience. Adam, Jesus heals us
because he has mercy for us–he loves us. Jesus wants to be whole. The Canon Gospels tells us to lay hands and
pray for the sick. After my surgery I went to the same pastor for healing. I’m doing fine now. I want to
give you the name of the pastor who has gifts of the Holy Spirit, and perhaps you may want to go.
She’s a methodist pastor. Perhaps you can email me–I don’t want to give her name in public.
I’m going to a bible study this morning and we will pray for you. (Briefly, I work as a registered nurse
in Rockland County, and my son wrestles for the NYAC.
May God be with you now and forever.
Peace,
Harry
u don’t know me. been following the blog for quite some time. kind of a weekly ritual for me when work gets slow. i coach a rec team and at a private club out by the jersey shore. i just wanted to say thanks. i was at bergen catholic this weekend and saw buxton and some of the younger cadet and schoolboys from blair tearing everybody up. made me think about you. i have a pinched nerve and some herniated discs that have been driving me nuts. i considered blowing the club practice off last night because i was in pain. i went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and realized i was a 39 yr old puss. the motivation and inspiration you provide to all of us in this big crazy wrestling family is beyond measure. i’m almost twice your age, but i consider you a role model. the way you have been able to take all of this adversity head-on is mind boggling. and here i am complaining that i’m uncomfortable when i drive to work, and how annoyed i am because i have to take anti-inflammatories. you make all realize we do have more to give. we do have more in the tank. that pain can in fact be ignored. i don’t have your skills, or your courage. but, if any of us can grasp hold of some of your spirit, albeit through a computer monitor, we’ll all be that much stronger by tomorrow. i hope i get to meet you. it will truly be my honor.
god bless,
smc
Hi again Adam
I just listened to your radio interview. It is good to hear your voice!
I am one of those who have been telling you to ‘keep fighting’, and I now know that is not what you want to hear. It was never meant to upset you, – just to encourage you to stay strong.
I am so sorry if my words were not the best choice.
I will try to remember not to say that any more.
Looking for your next post, and hoping that this beautiful weather is helping you to feel better!
BE WELL SWEET ADAM!
Love and hugs,
Mrs S
Hi Adam, I also just listened to your radio interview. After following your blog for the past year, it was great to hear your voice. You are so right about the feeling of “family” which is so strong in the wrestling community. There is a camaraderie between wrestling fans that I have not witnessed with any other sport. It was great to hear your positive attitude is as strong as ever! I will continue to pray for you!
Kathy
(South Jersey)
Dear Adam,
I seen your story on the ALO cover page this morning and had to go to your site and read more. Your story brought back alot of memories of my brother who had a battle like you. This horrible disease has to be the work of the devil, not God. My brother was like you, strong, healthy, didn’t smoke, hard working, survived a War and lived a very honest good life. He did get the privledge to be great dad and husband, and he was the worlds best brother and friend. But the cancer struck him and he was given a time limit and took excessive extreme chemo, ate a special diet, and he kept fighting, you just have too. Like he would say “I am up a shit creek without a padded”. He did not survive his battle, but he still survives in my heart and memories.
You will be in thoughts and prayers constantly, and we will pray for your miracle. Miracles do excist. My sisters husband had an anuerism and 2 strokes, was not expected to live, they did surgrey, took out half of his scull, still was not expected to live, that was in Dec 2008 and now he is walking again,speaking, and has his sense of hummor back. His miracle did happen. They had a Care pages site and everyone reads it daily just like your site, and millions and millions of prayers have went out for him. I do believe that the power of all those prayers was part of his miracle. God had to listen since there were soooooooo many. I will spread the word to pray for you, your mom and dad, and the rest of your family. Your miracle will come!!
Your thoughts comments are honest, thought provoking and true. Sugar coating this dreadful desease would be like giving in to it. Keep fighting that monster and your miracle will come and you ill winnnnnnnnnnnn!!!
All my thoughts & PRAYERS are with you,
Peg C.
Adam –
Please continue to use this blog as a means of getting out some of your feelings and frustrations. No one here can know exactly how you feel about all of this — but it does help each of us to better know what anyone in your situation might be feeling, and what we can best do to help, which is listen and be there for whatever is needed. You are a very courageous young man, and allowing us to know your innermost thoughts just adds to that. It is completely normal to go up and down about any illness or even that is life changing — I have epilepsy as a result of a slip in a parking lot which landed my head into the bumper of a car — and without these ups and downs, we would not be human. You are indeed an inspiration to many, and many out there can relate to you and hopefully learn to express their own frustrations instead of constantly feeling like they have to be “brave” for everyone else. I am truly praying for you and your family. I strongly believe that there are angels on this earth, and you are definitely one of them.
Adam,
I read for the first time about you today, the AOL article. I read just a few blogs you had written, and I know that this is about giving you an outlet, not you trying to inspire people. Here is the thing though, when a good man, does the right things for the right reasons he becomes a GREAT man. People are inspired by and are led by GREAT men. You are a GREAT man. Please dont let people affect you when they say it is wrong for you to have been so positive and then when you say something negative they cant handle it. To bad for them. You would not be human if you did not have all the emotions hitting you all at once, during this ordeal. Your allowed to be happy and feel good and be a bit pissy all in the same breath. I love honesty even if it is brutal, it is always smart to just lay the feelings out on the table and deal with them.
Adam, I see that everyone sends you their love, I want you to do me a favor..since I have not followed your blogs or really read much about you..the favor is I want you to Love the people in your life, dont hold back anything tell your family, show them, I hope you have a special person if not, dont let it be because you are protecting them from your life. Live and Love as often and as deeply as you can. Because life is about love.
Adam,
You are right. Cancer sucks. I am still mad. I lost my father to bone cancer and watched a good man die in agony. My kind loving mom went with pancreatic cancer in just two months after she was diagnosed. Why we get cancer is the big mystery they are trying to unlock. I think life is NOT fair and I tell my students that on day one. But you are different in that people will listen to you because of your blog. Make the most of this speaking opportunity and not the path YOU thought you were going to choose. Some people are born and die before their first birthday. Don’t dwell in self piety. scream out loud about the need to research and prevention for this disease.
The last words my mother said were, “wait!…wait for me.” Then she looked at me and said “goodbye” I think Dad came for her. I want you to know that there is life after death here on earth and you still have more to look forward to. Believe that.
I can’t even imagine the struggles you are going through now and I won’t pretend that I do. I attend many events and camps for children with cancer and it is an awful, unfair disease that does not discriminate by race, gender, age etc. I think it is amazing that you can take a personal struggle and allow the world to come in and invade. To see every thought and feeling you have in the process. I can’t say that I would have the strength to do that… I would probably crawl n a hole and pity myself. You are such a strong person even if sometimes you don’t feel like it and I have no doubt that your fight with cancer and your willingness to discuss it will change many people’s lives-whether they are struggling with cancer also or not. Even though you are only 23 (as I am too) you are making a huge difference in the world- whether u recognize it or not! How amazing is it to know that you are helping others through their struggles and being an inspiration at such a young age… There are many people in this world who die an old age and never leave their footprints in the world, never make the world a better place. Keep venting on this page, it is only normal that you will experience so many emotions through this process. Thanks for sharing your personal story, you will be in my prayers. As a wrestler, you are a fighter so keep fighting… give cancer, your opponent, a tough fight!
You poor dear boy, being so young and having cancer. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there Adam, they come up with cures everyday.
Most of all, be optomistic, you are fighting the good fight.
Hugs
Nettie Deatherage
im sorry for your pain. my prayers are with you.
I think I was meant to see your blog today. I have ovarian cancer and am currently undergoing chemo to treat my first recurrence. I went 18 months “cancer free” but I didn’t really feel free because I was either suffering side effects from the chemo or worrying about symptoms I was having that made me suspect that it was back the whole time.
People tell me they can’t believe I’m so positive because I really am, most of the time, but like you, I have my moments where I cry and feel it’s not fair. I was complaining about the weight gain I’ve been having this time around and my husband fussed at me for being ungrateful for such a vain thing when I should be grateful that I’m alive and that I’m able to get the chemo. I know this is true but I think I should be able to get angry, to cry and to feel sorry for myself sometimes. I started to feel guilty for venting and then I came across the article on aol about you and read your blog. It was like God was sending me a message that it’s okay to feel the way we do.
You are so young to have to be going through this. You are very strong in the way you’ve dealt with this but you definitely have a reason to get mad, depressed, etc. Let it out and then continue to face it the way you have.
Hi Adam,
I came across your story today on AOL and looked up this site. Reading this blog broke my heart, because everything you’ve written is like a mirror for what one of my very best friends (he was my first love) endured when he was diagnosed with stage 4 adrenal cancer at the age of 22. Like you, he was an intense athlete, never smoked, was a health nut–he wouldn’t even chew gum because it’s “bad for your teeth.”
Reading this post reminded me so much of things he would say to me when the illness got really bad. I remember this one time when he came over at like, 3 in the morning just to talk. We were sitting in my room and all he could say was how scared he was. Every time he’d go through another surgery or another round of chemo and there’d be a chance for good news, it just never came. I watched the guy I fell in love with my senior year of high school lose, one by one, almost everything that mattered to him the most. I remember him asking me more than once, “Is it worth it? Doing the chemo? Should I just enjoy the time I have?” He ran track, cross country, played hockey, Liquid Force sponsored him for wakeboarding, and the chemo took all that away from him. “What if it gets so bad that I get tumors on my back and can’t walk?” he said. “I’d rather kill myself than not be able to walk.” A year later they found tumors in his spine and a year after that, he was confined to a wheelchair. He wanted to have kids soooo badly, I remember him telling me that even on our first date! “But even if I do beat this,” he said later on, “I can’t have kids. The doctors told me it would be like having cancer in a box.”
I’m sorry, I don’t write this to be more depressing. The reason I’m telling you all this is because I watched how he held onto hope and fought even when there really was nothing left. He never stopped fighting, and more importantly, he refused (absolutely refused!) to let the cancer stop him from living his life. True, some days he was too sick to get out of bed. Actually, a lot of days. But he held close to him what he could. He found most of his happiness in his family, and in his friends. One day my friend and I went to visit him at the hospital not long before he passed away. He goes, “Close your eyes, I have a surprise.” And of course we do, and all of the sudden we’ve got silly string all over us! Here we are, sad and in tears, and he’s laughing at us and shooting us with silly string. Only him.
Okay, I feel like I’m writing too much memory and not enough about why I really decided to comment. Reading your post, I saw all the anger, desperation, hopelessness, frustration, and a bunch of other things I saw in Mike. I also watched him work through it, I even have e-mails and stuff showing his thoughts and feelings on certain things (which I would love to send you if you wanted to see).
One thing I remember the most is how alone Mike often felt, and how it helped him so much to know that there were other people out there like him. He reached out to anyone and everyone who was affected by cancer, for his own state of being and for theirs. I feel like maybe if you knew there was someone else in a similar situation like you, if I shared some of his insights with you (as well as his frustrations, fears, etc), it might provide some type of comfort, if nothing else.
My heart goes out to you, and your family, and you’ll be in my prayers. Mike once wrote, “Chemicals and drugs go into your body and affect you in a way that science has created, but you create your own drug in your mind before you even step into the treatment room that determines weather you are going to be able to beat this disease or not.”
Please do not give up! And for the record, you don’t need to write a peppy, optimistic post to be “inspiring”–your fight alone speaks for itself.
Sincerely,
Ashley
Hello Adam,
Good for you!!! You need to get angry, you need to be honest and you are not obligated to be an inspiration or anyone’s daily smile. I know that you are going through a crappy time and there are no words of wisedom that I have for you. Just be open to the possibilities, be good to yourself and know that people are praying for you and others who are fighting the same fight, just like you are.
God is here always, no matter what we think.
Peace,
Elliott
I know you probably hear, “keep hangin in there” or “don’t give up all the time” The cliche’s probably ring through your ears like a churchbell at notre dame, but freakin stay strong. I came to the Cornell camp and saw you and just thought wow i wanna be in his shoes. You are someone ta look up to and i wish you all the best.
Penn
If I could send you a hug, or rock you like I did when my own son was hurt or sick, I’d tell you everything was going to be all right. I can’t do any of those things, but I send you my love, my prayers for whatever it is you need, and the strength to face it with those who love you so much. You matter in this world, Adam. You still matter. You are part of a chain of humanity that is linking so many of us across the world in caring about you. You matter. Your life matters. Yep, I wish you’d had more fun. But I remember watching the Blair wrestlers warm up and kid with each other, do flips, and just enjoy the heck out of themselves on the mat. I’ve watched them win more times than not…and when they lost that one match they’d usually jump up, wipe off the sweat and go on to the next thing. No one does wrestle-backs like a Blair wrestler. Big hug. Kathy (St. Mark’s)
Adam…I know that it is hard for you to deal with the circumstances you’ve been dealt, but you just have to keep going and give it all. It may seem like it’s a lost cause, and that you’re destined to fail, but no one can predict someone’s fate or destiny. It is not for certain that you will die, and no one can truly know for sure that you are going to die until the very end. It is an extremely, unimaginably tough thing to deal with, and even more so to overcome, but anything that is worth something isn’t just given to you, right? You are going to have to work yourself to the bone to keep your life, and even then, you may not live, but fighting the good fight is always the more honorable choice. You have to honor yourself in a situation such as this, and to do that, you have to give it all. When your life is on the line it is the one time you learn how to dig the deepest and go miles beyond the limitations you thought you had. To beat a situation such as this, you have to get over your fear and emotions. Of course you’re afraid to die, but, who knows what will happen if you do? I’m not saying you will die, but I’m saying there is definitely a possability. In this situation you just have to leave everything out there and leave no doubt about what could’ve happened. You owe it to yourself, Adam. Do it for yourself. Look your baby brother, your mother, your father, your friends in the eyes and imagine how their life would be without you and how devistated they would be. Use that as motivation. But just give it all. I myself have come close to death. I am 17 now. My motivation was thinking of my little brother and how empty his life would be without me. You just have to stay motivated and NEVER give up. Hopefully you will read this and hopefully this will make an impression. Perhaps you won’t read it, or perhaps I will just sound like the average Joe that visits your site. But hopefully you gather motivation from this. I would greatly appreciate it if you emailed me. Take care and remember to keep everything in perspective. You are staring down the pinnacle of your life. There is no giving up.
-Collin Teague